Awakening from a comfortable dreamy haze

Sun, 20 Feb 2022 15:57:36 GMT

Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Sets

The Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Set invites you to awaken or re-awaken your engagement with anti-racism and to define and be part of change.

What is the comfortable dreamy haze ?

Recent important historic events including the rise of the BLM movement, #Me Too, #Charity So White, climate crisis, and the global pandemic have highlighted inequality and injustice in a way that is hard for me to ignore. After an initial spark of activity, organisations are again resting on their laurels becoming complacent. It is clear from the reports into racism in organisations including Action Aid UK, Oxfam, UNICEF UK, Médecins Sans Frontieres, and media reports of racism in UK football, cricket, and the Metropolitan Police amongst others, that much more work needs to be done.

Young people have been at the forefront, leading the way in speaking up and taking actions to create change towards a fairer and more equitable world.

The activism of children and young people caused me to wonder where was my generation: Gen X, where were we? After an activist youth, I had grown up and slipped into a comfortable dreamy haze, a complacency, where life was easy, I observed injustice and inequality, I spoke up but did so without real thought. I was now becoming alive again, I was alert to a fizzy feeling within me, a re-awakening, and a consciousness of the power that I have to create changes, to transfer power, and to use the power that I have well. I felt like I had been sleeping and the events of the past two years have jerked me awake again. How have these events affected you? How can we join together?

Why awaken from the comfortable dreamy haze ?

The action learning sets can jerk you awake again too. They are not always cosy spaces; they require us to acknowledge racism and become alert to the intersecting power and privileges that we carry throughout our lives. We need courage to see life as others do as we listen to stories that our identities may have previously shielded us from. In hearing these stories, we become conscious of realities and are lifted from the comfortable dreamy haze. We can make choices and commit to using the power that we hold for good.

The complacency of the comfortable dreamy haze contrasts with the courageous space created in the action learning sets. The sets create the space to be vulnerable. They seek to builds the confidence needed to become courageous. To be safe, the group starts by defining what must be in place for them to trust, to feel open and brave. Join us.

Why Race, Power and Privilege ?

The action learning sets focus on Race, Power and Privilege. This is where the stories start. Equity, Diversity, Inclusion, Justice and Belonging have become buzz words and phrases. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been asked for definitions of diversity and inclusion and feminist leadership. The asking again jolted me into an awareness that these are words that have lost their true meaning to me and others. They have become shrouded in a comfortable dreamy haze.

I love that Equity, Diversity, Inclusion, Justice and Belonging bring the whole me together: the intersecting identities of race, gender and sexual identities, class, ethnicity, ability, religion, and the other myriad of identities that create the whole. I worry that this allows a comfortable dreamy haze to descend on those conversation which may be most difficult, and, in my experience, these are often around Race. So, the action learning sets put Race front and centre and give permission to be enquiring of yourself and others.

There is no judgement. The late Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better”. Join us in seeking to know better and do better.

The process

Traditional action learning set have a formal structure. The sets are closed groups of 5-6 members who meet monthly. Each month one member is the focus of attention. The facilitator guides the groups through the steps of the action learning set. Would you like to join us?

Each set follows the same structure: being welcomed to the group, checking in, one person is listened to whilst they present their story. The listeners then invite the story-teller to respond to questions intended to provide opportunities to reflect and identify ways to use their power and to take steps in the direction of their choice towards a more racially just world.

The action learning set invites you to listen, to tell your stories, define your narratives, to be vulnerable as you share emerging questions, doubts and ideas, bring to life re-emerging memories and explore our identities as the core of who we are. The group is trusted to listen and ask questions that stimulate further learning and insights. With this new awareness we know better and can become enthusiastic to do better, do more or do less, and in doing so, we can regain our power and be conscious to use it well.

The structure provides comfort. We know what will happen and can be ready for it. The routine provides a rhythm and keeps the group moving forward like a stream trickling towards the sea. There is the certainty of the direction of travel. Like the stream, the group is always travelling, always moving towards freedom and openness of the sea. No two journeys are alike, the water dances in the sunlight, bounces over boulders, and provides life to plants, animals and insects. The action learning set offers flexibility of movement and pace, enabling the presenter the freedom to journey towards a destination which may be as yet unknown. There are no ‘right’ answers, we are all explorers.

Emerging from the comfortable dreamy haze

Action learnings sets have stimulated personal growth. Set members have described the value of being listened to, having your testimony, confusion, pain and doubts acknowledged, and changes celebrated. There is a power in listening to others, the skills of listening and questioning are developed. Set members have found confidence and lost the silencing fear of getting it ‘wrong’, saying the ‘wrong’ thing. They have stopped being afraid of being themselves.

Actions

It is important to be heard and give testimony to others and to experience personal growth. Ultimately change occurs not just through being heard or reflecting but through actions. The following are some of the ways past members have used their power and privilege to be anti-racist:

• Lead organisational change- diversification of colleagues, governance and leadership roles, re-setting the organisational strategy to support the changes needed to enable diversification.

• Consideration of our roles in the workplace, should someone from a non-dominant group do this work. Are racist or colonial attitudes being perpetuated or new and fairer approaches?

• Amplification of voices of colleagues from the global south and advocating with and for these voices to be held.

• Role model anti-racist behaviours.

• Being individually responsible and accountable, being brave to engage with discussions and reflections with colleagues, being open to challenge and change.

Joining

“When we define ourselves, when I define myself, the place in which I am like you and the place in which I am not like you, I'm not excluding you from the joining - I'm broadening the joining.” Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider, The Crossing Press, 12th Ed, 1998

Anyone can join and the groups are enriched by the diversity of identities and experiences.

Join a Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Set.

From George Floyd To Action Learning Sets

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 17:37:52 GMT

Transformative Learning

When George Floyd was murdered on 25th May 2020, I was defined as ‘extremely clinically vulnerable’ and was ‘shielding’ away from the world, my work as a consultant in low and middle income countries felt uncertain and I was horrified at how so many people watched George Floyd’s life be taken from him as if it was a form of entertainment. And then, the uprising began. It was as if the world was awaking, stretching, yawning and opening their eyes to the truth that not all lives matter until Black lives’ matter.

At the same time, I had just joined an Interesting Women Action Learning Set, facilitated by Janice McNamara an alumnus of Action Learning Associates . I used my opportunity as a presenter to reflect on who I would be in a post-Covid world and the interconnectedness of changed work and personal identities. Gecas (1982) argues that “Identity refers to the various meanings attached to oneself by self and others” (Ibarra and Petriglieri 2010: 11) based on social roles, group memberships, personal traits and conduct. My identity, my social roles, group memberships, traits and conduct as a Strong Black Woman had been dented by the government-imposed ‘extremely clinically vulnerable’ label and the rising Black Lives Matter movement made me restless.

I was involved in establishing a BLM task group within a consultancy group I am part of. I had given a personal testimony in another workplace and saw that whilst there was a desire to learn and do the right thing, there was also a squeamishness about talking frankly about race.

In July 2020, I joined Action Learning Associates’ Virtual Action Learning Set Facilitator Course. I had just completed my MSc in Coaching and Mentoring, was doing an increasing amount of online facilitation. I had enjoyed being an Action Learning Set (ALS) participant so thought this could be my lock-down project and a key to different work opportunities. As the training progressed, I began to see the potential for ALSs as a safe space to hold frank conversations about race which provide a structure to move beyond talking about race to making commitments to act towards a more racially just world.

Between October 2020 and January 2021 I ran a series of 6 ALSs on Race, Power and Privilege for child protection and safeguarding consultants to see if ALSs could indeed contribute to changes in ways of working which shift power towards increased racial equity. These sessions contributed to my Reflective Learning Log and ILM accreditation achieved through Action Learning Associates. The ALS was well received. Each set member identified personal and professional opportunities to do something which contributes to increased racial justice. A formal follow-up session was held to reflect on the ALS process and celebrate the progress each person was making. The group has evolved to a self-sustaining group to share resources, ask questions, share challenges and honour the changes being made.

At the end of the ALSs Corinne Davey, Director GCPS Consulting, provided this feedback:

"Angie’s facilitation of the ALS really created the space for us as individuals and as a set to move our thinking and action forward. The ALS process helped us examine what we thought we could do and pushed us to consider what we perhaps thought we couldn’t do! I found it one of the most transformative processes I’ve been through and within a safe space that feels supportive as well as providing the necessary challenge to help us make change."

The word transformative jumped out at me and I remembered Mezirow’s ten phases of transformative learning (2009) (see image).

In looking again at Mezirow’s (2009) transformative learning theory I began to see potential answers to the efficacy of the ALSs. Mezirow describes ‘transformative learning’ as the transformation of problematic frames of reference making them more open to change and generating new and helpful beliefs and opinions. Transformative learning changes the whole individual (or identity) through critical self-reflection and participation in discourse to evaluate underlying problematic beliefs which create new insights, understandings and actions.

I believe the Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Sets provide opportunities for transformative learning:

Disorientating dilemma The death of George Floyd, the acknowledgement of personal and structural racism (Eddi-Lodge, 2018) acts as a disorientating dilemma for those who chose to join the Race, Power and Privilege ALS.
Self-examination The sets offer a safe space for self-examination by the presenter, the listeners, and indeed me as the facilitator.
Critical assessment of assumptions Members critically assess the racialised assumptions of power.
Recognition that one’s discontent and process of transformation is shared Members normalise the feelings of discomfort generated by reflecting on race as part of the process of transformation.
Exploration of options for new roles, relationships and actions- The sets provide a venue to think about how best to do things differently.
Planning a course of action Members identify and commit to actions.
Acquiring knowledge and skills for implementing one’s plan Each ALS ends with the sharing of ‘gifts’ where listeners give the presenter feedback, or resources which supports the acquisition of knowledge and skills.
Provisional trying of new roles Members use their roles in the sets as presenter and listener to practice new ways of working, new roles, to test out ideas, experiment with, and experience new roles.
Building competence and self-confidence in new roles and relationships The check-in at the start of each ALS enables members to share their experiences of trying out their new roles in the world and workplace. The recognition and celebration of these changes is confidence and competence building.
A reintegration into one's life on the basis of conditions dictated by one's new perspective The new awareness and new patterns of behaviour become more ingrained into members’ behaviours and actions and they learn to act in a new more racially aware way.

One year on from the murder of George Floyd, I am about to run more Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Sets. I will be more conscious of the transformative learning these offer as racialised oppression is disrupted set member by set member.

References

Eddi-Lodge R (2018), Why I am no longer talking to white people about race, expanded edition, London: Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Ibarra H, Petriglieri J L, (2010), ‘Identity work and play’, Journal of Organizational Change Management, Vol. 23 Iss: 1 pp. 10 – 25
Mezirow J (2009 ) Transformative Learning Theory in Mezirow J, Taylor EW and Associates (eds) Practice Insights from Community, Workplace, and Higher Education, 1st edition, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Join a Race, Power and Privilege Action Learning Sets click contact me below:

Bullying, harassment and mental health- Can coaching offer a solution?

Thu, 13 May 2021 07:58:10 GMT

Yes!

There is little research exploring how humanitarian workers are supported to overcome the negative impact of workplace bullying and harassment (Shale, 2018, Equal Opportunities Commission, 2020) and none found on coaching as a tool to do so. My MSc Coaching and Mentoring dissertation started to address this lack of research.

Scale of bullying and harassment

Organisational reviews give an indication of the scale of workplace bullying and harassment in the humanitarian and development sectors:

Save the Children: 28% of staff experienced bullying or discrimination and 15% harassment in the past three years (Shale 2018).
UNAIDS (2018) staff survey: 58% of staff experienced ill-treatment; 64% discrimination; and 43% abuse of authority.
Oxfam: one third of staff witnessed bullying, discrimination or abuse of power. Some partner staff also experienced bullying by Oxfam staff (Independent Commission, 2019b).

The staff wellbeing review by Amnesty International found a “toxic” culture (Konterra Group, 2019, p.5) where bullying and public humiliation was a “management tool” (Konterra Group, 2019, p30). In Save the Children “a level of incivility … had a detrimental impact on the charity and staff” (Charity Commission, 2020, p.24) and staff experienced, but did not report, bullying, harassment or workplace incivility (Shale, 2018). Oxfam Independent Commission (2019b), UNAIDS (2018) and UNICEF (2019) independent reviews also found broken organisational cultures which failed to prevent or address workplace bullying and harassment.

Impact on well-being

As a result, staff in all agencies reported stress, frustration, demotivation, demoralisation, fear and a lack of trust (Charity Commission, 2020; Konterra Group, 2019; Independent Commission 2019b; Shale 2018; UNAIDS, 2018; UNICEF 2019). 39% of Amnesty staff attributed mental or physical health concerns to working there including “stress, burnout, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, headaches, insomnia, back problems, panic attacks, and feeling alone.” (Konterra Group, 2019, p.17).

Amnesty International counselling resources failed to meet the needs of staff. Wellbeing activities including leadership development, peer support, resilience education, independent whistleblowing and a dignity advisor were reportedly insufficient, “ad hoc, reactive, and piecemeal” (Konterra Group 2019, p.20). In UNICEF (2019) the only support for complainants was protection from retaliation. In Oxfam the prevention and response to workplace bullying and harassment was “deficient” (Independent Commission, 2019b, p.3). Neither the Charity Commission (2020), Shale (2018) nor UNAIDS (2018) reviews discussed employee support.

Moving forward, Shale (2018) and Konterra Group (2019) recommend strategies to change organisational cultures and implement “a comprehensive and systematic approach to staff wellbeing” (Konterra Group 2019 p.41). Only the Konterra Group (2019) offers coaching as part of the solution; it recommends Amnesty coaches managers to support team members in psychological distress and identify and tackle their own work-related challenges. Coaching for those who have experienced stress or workplace bullying and harassment is not available.

All cited reports recommended improved governance, leadership, management development (including HR), policies and processes including reporting and redressal. No recommendations were made to support staff affected by bullying, despite the reported impacts of workplace bullying and harassment (Charity Commission, 2020; Konterra Group 2019; Shale, 2018; UNAIDS, 2018; UNICEF, 2019).

Coaching as a support

I provided three humanitarian workers five sessions of coaching using a mix of narrative approaches, transactional analysis, action-focussed and person-centred practices. One month after the final coaching session, semi-structured interviews were conducted to reflect on the coaching. They reported the following changes:

LT
Better able to identify what was in her own interests and manage stress. It should be noted that the stress management was also helped by the slower pace of life imposed by the restrictions of lockdown.
The coaching changed the way that LT feels about herself, reporting increased confidence, reduced comparison of self to others and has been reminded of the things that are important to her.

MA
Better able to reflect on, and appreciate, her own skills.
Better able to confront the bullies.
MA felt guided by the coach but recognised that the changes were her own, “You asked the questions and I will be coming with answers by myself. You are guiding me. I did all these things by myself.”
The coaching exceeded the objectives to address wellbeing in personal as well as professional life.

GC
Understood the bullying, why it was affecting her and how to deal with it.
Without coaching she thought she would have left the job, and maybe the sector entirely. The decision to stay was based on what she wanted and not in reaction to the bullying.
Helped define better who she is and why she does things.
Helped to build confidence, to speak to her supervisor about a bully and support others who were also being bullied.
Was able to manage a stressful situation (bullying and inability to leave country due to COVID-19).
Physical health improved, better sleep pattern and slowed heart rate.
“I’m in a place where it does not affect me as much as it could have and for me, it’s a win.”

Conclusions

Coaching supported three humanitarian workers who had experienced workplace bullying and harassment to increase their confidence, optimism and sense of self. To understand the extent to which transformations are sustained and intertwined to identities, longer-term follow up is needed. Nonetheless, within the timeframe of the study, coaching supported LT, AM and GC to differing degrees to overcome the negative impact of bullying. In the words of GC “We did it!”

Contact me if you would like to discuss how you may benefit from coaching.

Bibliography

Charity Commission for England and Wales (2020) Statement of the results of an inquiry, The Save the Children Fund (Save the Children UK). Available here
Equal Opportunities Commission (2020) Bullying in the workplace. Available here
Independent Commission on Sexual Misconduct, Accountability and Culture Change (2019b) Final report independent commission on sexual misconduct, accountability and culture June 2019. Available here
Konterra Group (2019) Amnesty International- Staff wellbeing review. Available here
Shale, S (2018) The independent review of workplace culture at Save the Children UK; Final report 28th October 2018. Save the Children. Available here
UNAIDS (2018) Report on the work of the independent expert panel on prevention of and response to harassment, including sexual harassment; bullying and abuse of power at UNAIDS Secretariat. Available here
UNICEF (2019) Report of the independent task force on workplace gender-discrimination, sexual harassment, harassment and abuse of authority May 2019. Available here

Race, Power and Privilege; Reflect & Act

Sun, 25 Apr 2021 11:54:55 GMT

Facilitator reflections and actions

Race, Power and Privilege; Reflect and Act. Facilitator reflections and actions

My gift is to facilitate critical thinking on issues of importance

My energy to act on issues of race ebbs and flows. It has an emotional impact which makes it hard to sustain that energy over years and years and years and years. Recently, my energy has been poured into creating action learning sets (ALS) which provide people with a safe space to reflect on race and to identify actions that they can take that will contribute to racial justice.

I don’t have a loud voice, I’m not a politician, policymaker or journalist, but I am a facilitator of change for organisations and individuals and can use this gift to enable critical examination of things that matter. The Race, Power and Privilege action learning sets are my gift, my contribution to the racial revolution. This comes from a sense of agitation and desire on my part to create change and a more just world.

The ALS provide a safe space for up to six people to reflect on personal perspectives of race, power and privilege, their own values, experiences, ideas, behaviours and workplace challenges. Action learning sets are an established tool for individual and organisational development and have been used in the humanitarian sector for years. They provide a simple but powerful way for individuals to listen, learn from each other and identify actions which could make a positive difference to disrupting oppression. The emphasis is on learning from real experiences and challenges with a small group of people who listen and use skilled questioning to produce fresh ideas for action. Action learning works best when we have a real issue to resolve. Understanding race, power and privilege is certainly a real issue and fresh ideas for action are crucial to transform ourselves, our organisations and the sector more widely.

What am I still confused about?

At the outset, I was challenged to think about my role as a Black woman facilitating all white or racially mixed groups. I have thought, hard. I have not reached any conclusions yet about how my identity impacts my facilitator role, but the question stimulates me to be more aware and reflexive in my practice. The role of the facilitator is to create a safe online space and guide the process. When sets work well, members become engrossed in listening and working together to ask powerful questions which elicit insights and move the presenter closer to identifying what it is they will DO differently. One of the things about race is that we so often don’t know what we do or do not notice, and as a result, its hard to attribute how our observations influence our behaviours, our relationships and our work.

In reflecting on the impact of my racial identity on my facilitation, I invite you all to ask yourself the same question - what impact does your race have on how you work and on those you are working with?

What have I learned?

If I haven’t been able to answer fully how my race impacts the groups I facilitate, what have I learned?

Establishing the set is really important. Earning trust, building relationships and an open, exploratory online space is vital for difficult dialogues. It is important to send information in advance, spend time on different introductory activities, agree with everyone what we will do to create a safe space and explain the set process.
Introductions. I am authentic. I have multiple ways of introducing myself so I tell the story that I think best fits the audience. The story is true, but the nuance adjusts to the listeners. Each story is a facet of myself that makes me appealing to the group, creates commonalities and comfort. The overall narrative is unveiled through the gifts of listening, asking powerful questions and allowing space to breathe.
Grounding. Each set starts with a grounding activity; a few moments to simply breath and relax into the space. This grounds and focuses me. Some members love this, others do not. Nonetheless, it creates a rhythm and routine to the sets that contribute to the safety of knowing what will happen in what order.
Own your voice. Having uninterrupted time to share thoughts and ideas is empowering. Being attentively listened to helps you to own your voice, your ideas, certainties and uncertainties. The questions act as mirrors offering alternative viewpoints and in pausing and responding to these new perspectives and a new confident voice can emerge.
Become a better listener. The best action learning sets have listeners who listen to what is said, what is not said, the level of energy, the emotion, the tone and pace of the presenter. Listening well includes listening to content which can be hard to face. Joining an action learning set means becoming a better listener.
Asking questions. Asking questions is easy. Asking powerful questions that support reflection and build on what was said and heard is hard. Questioners must put aside their personal curiosity, the competitive temptation to speak first or ask the ‘best’ question, their judgements, reflections and comments. Questioners have to work as a team, be bold, be intuitive, be patient, be confident, be kind, be challenging and listen in order to find those questions that help unlock new understandings for the presenter.
Embrace the comfort of the discomfort. Let’s reframe ‘difficult dialogues’ as a voyage of listening and learning. Now, doesn’t that sound great! Understand that the discomfort and the self-reflection is where the learning and transformation takes place and the whole set will celebrate other members’ successes.
Accountability and actions . In identifying actions during the set, members feel a sense of accountability. There is an intrinsic motivation to commit to act and there is external accountability. Set members honour your actions and encourage you to keep making changes. They may even support you to keep moving when you get stuck.
Personal journeys can’t change organisations, but we all have individual power . When ALS members use their personal power for good they can change their own interactions with others, challenge others, invite others to reflect, be a role model, be an ally and influence organisational thinking and direction. Each set member becomes a leader for change, wherever they work.
Building communities. ALS members have reported a sense of community with the other members which has supported well-being, strengthened allyship, confidence, inspired courage to create change, and raised consciousness while providing nourishment. Members have found the sets transformative.

What will I do?

My commitment to you is to continue to use my gift to offer more action learning sets and safe spaces to reflect and to find allies who can nourish me on this journey.

When I was a child, how did I know I was Black?

Wed, 10 Feb 2021 16:03:51 GMT

This post was inspired by a white colleague who asked me, “When you were a child how did you know that you’re Black?” She asked this as we were grappling with our responses to the #BLM movement and following the murder of George Floyd in May 2020. It has taken me eight months to be ready to share how I know that I am Black.

At my first school Christmas fare, I was excited to choose a toy from the lucky dip. As I wiggled my fingers in the sawdust the kind grown-up supervising the stall told me not to pull out a toy as she had something special for me. She gave me a hair bobble. I was 4 years old; I liked the hair bobbles. I was sad not to have chosen my own toy. I felt special and I felt different.
The Christmas fare had followed a term of hair touching, pulling, stroking, of being called “wire wool”, “woolly head” and being asked “Are you brown all over? Even your bum?” which was always followed by squeals of laughter.
On Brownie camp, we shared baths in large buckets and my fellow campers were delighted to be able to confirm that, indeed, my bum was brown. I was 7 years old.
Aged 8, I went to middle school. On the first day I trooped into the classroom, found my name on a table next to Melissa (not her real name). She was the only other Black girl in the school and the only other Black girl I’d met (apart from my sister). We viewed each other with suspicion.
In the same year, Bony M’s song ‘Brown girl in the ring’ resulted in almost the entire playground forming a circle around me, singing, ‘Brown girl in the ring, Tra la la la la, She looks like a sugar in a plum, plum-plum’.
Nigger, coon and monkey chants were now normal. I was told to “Go home”. This was confusing, I lived in the town but I had been born in London. The more observant called me “Half caste”. My mum was called “Nigger-lover”. Graffiti on walls and bus stops confirmed I was not wanted.
One birthday in mid-childhood, my mum’s friend sent me a birthday card. The picture on the card was a pencil drawing of a cute Black girl. I have never before, or since, had a birthday card picturing someone who looked like me.
Around aged 10, I became aware that there were six of us Black children in town and we all had white parents. Two brothers were adopted, two siblings were fostered and there was no ‘evidence’ of my mum having been pregnant so I thought I must have been adopted too.
With three Black girls in town, Melissa, my sister and I stood out! My grandad had been a well-loved GP and I was frequently stopped in the street to be asked if I was Dr Churchill’s granddaughter; they had a two in three chance of being right.
I have worked since I was 13 years old. I had a Saturday job in a hairdressers’ salon, and I loved it. It meant my hair would no longer be trimmed into shape like a hedge. Perm lotion was combed through my hair to make it silky smooth and Black and White wax kept it oiled. I binned the afro comb which had been sent from London by my mum’s friend (the one sent me the card). I felt grown up being with older women and nodded as they told me that they liked me, “You’re not really like other Black people” (what the other five Black children in town?) “You’re only half-black. I don’t mean to be funny, but I would never have a Black boyfriend”. I nodded because ‘you’re only half Black, you’re as Black as you are white’ reinforced a message given at home. Did that mean that the comments hurt only half as much?
My friends started to have boyfriends. No one was interested in me, was I too brown? Was my hair too curly? Did the 1980s ‘Peach shimmer’ lipstick and eye liner not do my brown skin justice? Or, did the boys just not mean to be funny but they would never have a Black girlfriend.
My brown skin and curly hair did allow me to skip physics lessons and instead run up and down the athletics track. No one else could, but Black people were good at sport, so I was allowed to. I got a D in my physics GCSE.
I left home aged 17 years and went to London; I haven’t lived in that town again. It’s not home. I don’t talk to my family about race or racism. I have survived, thrived, I am happy, I am proud and I am whole.

When I was an adult and a social worker and a humanitarian worker how did I know I was still Black?

Wed, 10 Feb 2021 16:03:51 GMT

This post seeks to continue a global conversation within the aid and development sector, about race and white privilege reinvigorated by the #BLM movement following the murder of George Floyd in May 2020. I shared this at a team meeting in June 2020.

Two racially charged things happened to me in the week before I wrote this. Firstly, in the spirit of understanding a white woman asked, when did I first know that I was Black. The second thing also from a white woman I’ll come to shortly. In response to these events, I wanted to share a few vignettes of everyday systemic racism that have helped me to know that I am Black.

In answer to the first question, when did I know? At my first school Christmas fare, I was excited to choose a toy from the lucky dip. As I wiggled my fingers in the sawdust the kind grownup supervising the stall told me not to pull out a toy as she had something special for me. I was given a hair bobble. I was 4 years old and I liked the hair bobbles. I was sad not to have chosen my own toy. I felt special, I felt different. Throughout my childhood my hair was trimmed like a hedge, so I looked like I had a brown dandelion clock on my head. There were no Black hairdressers in town and no Black haircare products, even our Afro comb had been bought in London as we couldn’t buy them in town. Nothing has changed. I still have to drive 45 minutes to buy shampoo and I have someone who cuts my hair that hasn’t been trained to do so and I bring my own shampoo with me. Black haircare is optional on hairdressing courses.

One birthday in mid-childhood, my mum’s friend of who lived in London, sent me a birthday card with a pencil drawing of a cute Black girl. I have never before, or since, had a birthday card picturing someone who looked like me. Cards with Black girls on do exist but you have to search for them, they’re not ‘mainstream.’ Black people are not ‘mainstream’.

My partner and I have been denied entry into gay venues whilst straight white friends danced happily away inside. My white partner lashed out at the man who punched me and called me Black Bitch one morning on the way to the supermarket. I have had to learn that white people can protect and support me.

In my first social work job I worked for a mental health project for African-Caribbean men with mental health problems. At ward rounds it was common for me not to be invited into the room. I was assumed to be a relative, not the social worker.

My second job was supporting children who lived and euphemistically worked on the streets, their ‘work’ was sexual exploitation. During my induction, one colleague told me, an Irish Lesbian had been expected to get the job as she worked in a very similar project. By the way, “Did you know our manager is a ‘dyke’? She must have fancied you, plus a Black Lesbian looks better for equal opportunities.” I was the one who bought the Black hair and skin care products for the young people we worked with.

I joined the international development sector as a VSO volunteer. I looked around Harborne Hall during the pre-departure training and didn’t see people who looked like me. Twenty-one years later, what has changed?

I am disturbed that the voices of diverse identities are ignored, whilst at the same time independent safeguarding reviews tell us diversity is important and that those with diverse identities are at increased risk from their colleagues and organisations. I feel sad and invisible when aid workers say in front of me, “As white people we…”, I wonder if they haven’t seen me, or if they just don’t think that I am important. I am angered by the colonial notions of white saviours and the ‘othering’ poor Black beneficiaries, my Black family potentially being the latter. Some of my family are actual or potential beneficiaries whilst others who have more wealth and status than many of you reading this post.

Even as I use the word ‘angered’, I am conscious that Black women’s anger is considered, aggressive, dangerous and I want to check my use of this word.

When I enter offices, meetings, training rooms etc. I look around and note the lack of Black faces. When there are Black faces, we give each other ‘the nod’ to acknowledge our mutual presence. In 2019, I was delighted to find myself in a guesthouse in Afghanistan with five Black women and one white gay man. After the white man left the dinner table, we spontaneously and excited ly regaled each other with stories of the casual racism we encounter. We enjoyed this unexpectedly safe space.

My stories include, being on a plane to The Gambia and after noticing that the white man in the seat next to me had been editing a report on healthcare, I asked him about his work. In return he asked if I was visiting family, the assumption being that I couldn’t be going for tourism or work. Sometimes, I see faces fall as I am introduced as the Consultant and I know that those I am there to work with expected a ‘proper’ white aid worker. Conversely, sometimes, I see faces light up as the national staff feel some connection with this non-white person. I find myself tidying the training room at the end of the training whilst my white colleagues are talking to the leader planning the next day, or indeed has finished for the day. Stereotypes of the low status role of Black women are internalised and played out.

I am not married, I am not a mother and in many countries this impacts on my status and I suspect contributes to the frequent but low-level experiences of sexual harassment on missions from teams I am working with, from communities, from hotel staff and guests. My white colleagues are surprised when I tell them, we laugh it off. They don’t offer support. Sometimes I feel afraid. I have chronic and life limiting respiratory conditions so I can’t run away if I feel this low-level sexual harassment were to escalate.

The government has recently defined me as extremely clinically vulnerable due to my respiratory conditions. An email exchange with my medical consultant told me that my respiratory issues may not be as high risk as previously thought but being half BAME increases my risk of COVID-19. This risk is not known to be genetic but BAME communities are at greater risk due to racialised poverty impacting on health indicators, access to health care and their jobs on the so-called COVID front-line. The degree of my breathing impairment can’t be measured accurately because calculations of lung capacity are based on Caucasian lung capacity. That brings me back to what has reignited discussions on race and the now familiarly tragic refrain, “I can’t breathe”.

Race, gender, health, sexuality, class, education, profession, survivor, marital and parental status are intersecting identities which impact on my life and my work. Every day, I am alert, every day I am conscious. So back to the question, every day know that I am Black.